Eviction Notice: Baby, You’re Served

Posted by on Aug 7, 2011 in Pregnancy | 16 comments

Baby Eviction Notice(1)

To: Baby D.M.

Current Residential Address: Your mother’s uterus.

Dear Baby D.M., today is your due date. Pursuant to the provisions of all the laws of mammalian biology you are hereby served a notice to vacate the premises and appurtenances owned by L.M. of the city of Coolgardie, in the state of New South Wales, Australia, which premises are now occupied by you.

The reasons for this eviction notice are as follows:

1.  Neglecting to pay any sort of security deposit or good behaviour bond upon moving in.

2.  Failure to pay rent due and nine months in arrears despite repeated requests to do so.

3.  Disturbing your landlord 3-7 times a night.

4.  Damage to said premises (including making unauthorized and excessive enlargements to the front and rear of the property, severe landscaping violations, warping key support beams, and causing structural damage to internal plumbing that has resulted in intermittent leaking).

5.  Repeated misdemeanor assaults upon landlord, including kicking, punching, and hormone poisoning resulting in nausea and vomiting.

6.  Perpetrating multiple thefts upon landlord.  You stand accused of temporarily misappropriating all of the following at different times during your tenancy: sleep, sex drive, sense of humour, emotional stability, mobility, and ability to concentrate.

7.  Unlawful extraction of minerals from the rental premises (including calcium and iron) and fomenting undesirable reservoirs of explosive natural gas within the dwelling.

8.  If you do not move out or remedy the violations listed above within 14 days of the day you receive this notice, your tenancy will terminate and you will be forcibly relocated. Ensure that you take all of your belongings (including the entire placenta) and cause minimal further damage when you depart the premises. Please note that “your belongings” do not include the entire maternal stores of calcium and elemental iron. Thank you in advance for your prompt co-operation.

Signed, dated, and served.

Baby Eviction Notice

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16 Comments

  1. Sweet!!

  2. Very clever. Keep your sense of humor. You’re gonna need it.
    Doug Beyer

  3. This is precious! May God bless you both through the relocation process and fill you with more joy than you can imagine as a result.

  4. Beautiful photos! Can’t wait to meet the little man too! One day… 🙂

  5. Absolutely loved this one Lisa! Read it out loud to the husband and we giggled a lot. Will be thinking of you.. (I have an abnormal, life-long fear of childbirth myself so eager to hear all about it).

    Looking gorgeous too 🙂

    • Katie, if I don’t blog about it in detail (and I’m undecided on that one) happy to share the details via email, so hassle me at some later date if you want for more details.

  6. You look lovely, Lisa. Hope baby complies with his eviction notice sooner rather than later. I’m 39 weeks today, so I’m right behind you! It’s all been a bit overwhelming lately, so I try to keep projects going, and that seems to help distract me from my discomfort. Hang in there (and I’ll try to do the same)!

    • Thinking of you Brea as you’re probably past due now. Hope all is going well!!

  7. Love every bit of this! I understand it fully 🙂 only hours/days now.
    And I don’t know how I missed that McWolfe will be a Leo until now, and even possibly with my Aug 13th birthday……oh nelly, what fun you will have with a little Leo in you’re house :p

  8. Loved this blog, Lisa
    We also used that phrase ‘eviction notice has been served’ for the period pre-birth so it’s satisfying as well as hilarious to see it taken to its logical conclusion, especially by such a gifted wordsmith…. love xx A

  9. Apparently, the baby didn’t completely deplete your sense-of-humor stores. I love this!! I hope baby McWolfe complies soon. We love and miss y’all!

  10. Hi Lis, I was thinking that bubs would be due soon. Hang in there. Sorry I’ve been awol on the email front, I think we’ve just begun settling in to a new stage of life with a school-aged child, toddler and baby, new church and new home. It’s all been a bit of a whirlwind. I hope and pray that your imminent labour won’t drag on for too long and you and Mike will adjust well to being parents. It’ll all be worth it when you cuddle the little baby in your arms. Love Huong

  11. Hang in there Lisa…wonderfully written! My nephew and his wife can totally relate – their due date is today! Best wishes to you both! Look forward to the arrival news and photos being posted. 🙂 The photos of you and Mike are lovely.

  12. Some things only come out by prayer and fasting. Others however do come out by forecepts or Caesaran section….
    And btw, counter suits from illegally removed tennants are a bear and though normally merely a nuiscance, fighting it takes cash and energy so pick your battle carefully.
    Vini, Evicti, Babi

  13. I confess, this post had me wondering if you might also be craving peanut butter cups 🙂 Hope all is well friend! Lots of hugs coming from this way!!!

  14. Hi all, thanks for these comments – you made me laugh, which was no easy task at 40 weeks pregnant!!! Really glad to report that I am safely on the other side of the eviction now (the obedient little tyke complied within 48 hours) and nine days into the adventure of parenthood.

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