We traveled back to Laos from Thailand last Wednesday, a week after Mike’s surgery. Three suitcases, three carry-ons, a stroller, a baby, and a husband who couldn’t lift anything.
It was special.
Actually, it was pretty special because so many people helped us along the way. The check-in staff heaved our suitcases around, friendly strangers carried hand luggage on and off the plane for us, and an office driver met us at the airport. He not only handled all the heavy stuff there but also carried it upstairs for us once we reached the house.
I’m not used to being in the position of needing help, really needing it, and I don’t find it particularly comfortable territory.
I don’t like asking for help partly because I know everyone has busy lives of their own. It’s a sacrifice for most people to drop their own agendas and come lift heavy suitcases or water bottles, or help bath and mind a baby.
I don’t like feeling as if I’m putting people out.
If I dig a little deeper, however, I have to admit that I don’t like putting people out because that can make me feel as if a nicely balanced set of friendship scales have been tipped, putting me in someone’s debt. It can leave me feeling that I owe people, and I really don’t like feeling that I owe people.
A touch of this probably isn’t bad. Without any sensitivity to reciprocity I might turn into a selfish taker – someone who casually accepts the kindnesses offered to me without any thought of extending a helping hand that has to stretch beyond my comfort zone.
However, when I find myself deeply reluctant to ask for or accept help it makes me wonder why. Am I too proud to want people to see me in need? Am I so self-sufficient that I resent the self-imposed burden to reciprocate in some fashion? Do I really prefer to keep my friendships gliding safely along in calm waters rather than risk the more turbulent ebb and flow of substantial give and take? All of the above?
I haven’t actually lain awake at night this last week thinking about things like this – in between waking up to Dominic every hour or two I’ve been far too tired to lie awake and think about much of anything. In fact, some of this speculation is rather unrelated to what’s going on at the moment because we’ve been on the receiving end of a lot of help this week and it has hardly troubled me at all. We’ve been too tired and things have felt too stretched to leave me feeling anything more than grateful.
Four hours after we arrived home on Wednesday I leaned over to put Dominic on the floor one-armed, while I was carrying a drink in my other hand. As I did, I felt muscles rip down the left side of my back.
Sometimes when I hurt my back I’m practically immobilized for several days, and the prospect of that sort of injury when Mike is completely unable to lift anything, or even sit and lean over easily, was the last straw. We did something I’ve never, in all my years of international living, had to do before. I rang my parents and asked if one or both of them could come to Laos as soon as possible to help out for a while.
My mum arrived on Saturday.
In the couple of days before reinforcements arrived friends here bought us dinners, shopped for us, and heaved around our stuff. Now that Mum’s here for a while the relief of not having to be the adult on-point 24 hours (not to mention the only one heaving around our child) all day is enormous.
I don’t like that we’re in the position of needing all this help. I don’t like what it’s costing my parents to offer it. But I’m so glad we reached out and accepted it.
When’s the last time you needed help? Where did it come from? How did you feel about accepting it?
11 comments
For the past four months, I’ve been unemployed and homeless. (LONG story.) I went from total, sheer panic to acceptance. I’ve had to accept help from pretty much everybody I’ve ever known. And it’s VERY humbling. The first thing I had to deal with was the HUGE blow to my identity. My entire adult life, I’ve found my identity in my job. No more. Then, the second thing was, “I’m not worthy of this love/help/support.” But you know what? When the paralytic’s four friends lowered him through the roof, I doubt he halted them to say, “Wait, guys! Do I really deserve this?” Sometimes, we just have to receive. They do it because they love us. Not because they’re keeping score. And my needing help doesn’t make me less of a person.
Incidentally, today, I started a new job. A fabulous job that I consider a HUGE blessing! Now, I can start loving people back for all the love they’ve given me. 🙂
Hang in there, Lisa!
Oh, Sarah. So sorry to hear that these last few months have been such a harrowing journey, and so glad to hear of your new job (and a job you love!!). Hooray. Thanks for sharing.
18 months ago my Dad was diagnosed with bone cancer and was very ill for a while. He lives in Australia, I in London. Having my own business I made the decision to offer him my help for a few months – so my step-mum could have a break, and just because I wanted to be there for him. It was quite a wrench to leave my partner for that long, but I am ever so glad to have been able to spend that quality time with Dad, and to have been able to help when things were pretty rough for him. Thankfully I’m pleased to say that he’s now in remission and doing so much better. And I can truly say that my help was given freely – without any expectation of repayment or tipping the scales off balance. I’m sure your Mum will relish being needed -and being able to spend quality time with you all. N x
Thanks for sharing Nicola. Yes, having been separated from Mike for big long chunks like that I know how wrenching that can be, but it sounds like you were both able to be a huge support and also valued your time with your dad. Glad to hear he’s in remission.
When you ask people to help you, or just receive help when offered, you provide them with an opportunity to be Christ’s hands and feet in the world. Accept it gracefully and gratefully. When your turn comes with an opportunity to help, you’ll be blessed to be the one giving help! I don’t think you need to feel you owe people individually; the ones you help may not be the same people who helped you. As long as we are all open to being helpful and to being helped, there’s no problem.
Love this reminder to “pay it forward”.
When I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia I was suddenly in the position of having to ask anyone and everyone for help. I had to ask for help lifting a carton of milk in the store. I had to ask for help carrying more than a few library books. I had to ask my husband to vacuum, lift laundry baskets, and put the frying pan directly on the stove. I asked friends for meals and visits and phone calls and car rides. At first it felt horrible. Wretched even. BUt I realized if I didn’t ask for these things I could rarely leave the house. Leaving the house helped me feel better. I finally got to the point where I felt well enough to show thanks. I dropped off cookies, chocolate covered strawberries. I did small errands. I made casseroles. To this day, when I am feeling well I do something to show someone thanks and gratitude. I love it when people ask me for help. I love being able to help people back. I love being well enough to help period. I am finally at the point where I (mostly) can ask for and accept help (sort of) gracefully. Sometimes friends and family like being needed. Perhaps my super power is helping people feel needed. 🙂 xo
That’s a sacrificial super power 🙂 And love how you managed to capture a profound and difficult journey in a single paragraph. Thanks for sharing.
Lisa, all I really have to say is… Wowzers!
Also, yay for your mum 🙂
And also, I’m praying for you all.
I am so, so glad you got help. I am TERRIBLE at asking for help and even worse about being able accept it easily when I get it. Someone once told me this is a pride issue. I’m not really sure that’s the case. I think it’s more that I just hate feel like I’m burdening or putting other people out. In any case, I’m glad your Mum is there!
Oh Lisa! I have been away for too long and just now catching up with you. So sorry to hear all that you and your family have endured but am happy to hear that there have been many nearby who can help you. You’ve nailed the trouble with asking for help and the difficulties in accepting it. I try to take solace in the fact that people like to help and it makes them feel good, just as you feel good when you help other people – a win/win. Hope you and Mike have a speedy recovery. Your mom’s help is priceless. We may trek up your way end of Oct. Best wishes to you from Vientiane!
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